Holy cow it feels strange writing on my blog! It’s been a loooooong time since I sat here with my thoughts, waiting for them to jump out onto the screen and become something worth reading. I purposefully took a break from blogging to focus completely on me…for a whole year! Why? Well, I kinda had a stroke…ok 2 strokes…in one day. I don’t really want to get into the deets about the cause and affects today, someday soon, but not today. Today I want to just express my overall feelings about the past year and put them out there to document this moment.
A year ago today I honestly was lost. Imagine being in your fully functioning body one second and then literally dying on one side completely. The strokes made me feel like a shadow of myself. I was alive and present, but only a fraction of my original self. How would I ever live a normal life again??? I would ask myself this question repeatedly, constantly, for a very long time.
I woke up everyday and knew that I had to put the work in if I ever wanted to have a shot at a normal life. This was, and still is, the hardest thing I have ever done. Many days I felt like I was just going through the motions of therapy, both physical and emotional. I did my exercises religiously, multiple times a day, obsessively. Haha, I guess the stroke didn’t damage my obsessive nature :). I fought with myself constantly. I was literally Smeagol from Lord of the Rings! I think I hid my multiple personalities pretty well, but they were there in full force, and still make occasional appearances. I was up, down, forward, backwards, and inside out. It was exhausting. But I kept going. I knew that nothing would ever get better if I chose to stay still.
Today I am looking back on the last year, proud that I made it! Happy to say that I found myself again. I no longer feel like a shadow. I’m back and sparklier than ever! I will not look back fondly at this year…it’s been hell. But I will move forward with the same positivity and excitement that was in the “old me”. That is what I am ultimately the most grateful for recovering…the feeling of joy. So as a reminder to myself and for anyone who stumbles upon this post, never give up. As cheesy as it sounds, please don’t. Whatever you are battling, keep going, there is light, things can get better. Things may have to change, there may be hard work, tough times, and moments of utter despair, but it can get better! Maybe not perfect, but much better. Look for the joy.
Cheers to another year!